i am alive

"You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you."

this week things feel different. different in a thought provoking, wildly beautiful way. although it is a constant battle to remain present in my community and work, i am so happy to be where i am, doing what i'm doing. i'm learning more than i can explain about myself, my spirituality, my community, the global community, and health care. i am alive and my passion is stirred. this is right.

i wake up everyday so excited to go to work. to see my students. to chat with patients. to work on my spanish (que chistosa!!). what i do everyday is something i believe so deeply and profoundly in. a world where healthcare and education merge. i am energized and free. this is my world and i have never felt so alive.

read me

a teacher from my school wrote this...
http://www.tolerance.org/blog/disparities-school-lunch

the world in the hands of an angry blogger

I spent the past 5 days in Aptos, CA for a JVC re-orientation retreat. The theme was social justice. It was a time to relax and reconnect with the values that led us to JVC in the first place, and a recommittment to our work and why we are doing it. I really needed the time to reflect on my work...sometime I have been desperately putting off for a while now. JVC brought in some stellar speakers who shared their insight on Catholic Social Thought, Kinship & Social Justice, Faith in Action, and Discernment. It's slightly ironic that my last post was about Fr Greg Boyle, because he came and spoke....man, what a special guy. He spoke alot about kinship as a value as opposed to social justice. It is the idea that only by accompanying the marginalized, being one with them, and gaining a mutual understanding. That there is no them, only an us...and that in fact we belong to each other.

JVC retreats are all about engaging and interacting with our peers to build our perspective...but we are also given time to decompress and reflect in silence for a few designated hours. That time for me was emotional, profound, as I sat still in the presence of God. I reflected. I cried. And I got really angry. Like really angry. For those of you readers who know me, it takes a lot to push me over the edge, but these feelings rushed over me like a flood.

Anger that Stephanie at age 14 continually feels the need to gang bang and get high.

Anger that a 7th grader can't speak english and how scary school must be every day for him.

Anger that a 40 year old hasn't seen a doctor in years...not out of personal choice.

Anger that a 6th grader doesn't remember his address because his family is so transient.

Anger that it is taking me forever to track down a translator to help a Nepalese patient.

Anger that undocumented immigrants are too afraid to get resources that they need.

Anger that people don't receive the dignity and honor and respect that is their right...and that I can't always give it to them.

Most importantly: Anger that i'm angry at all these things and remember that the U.S. in one country with a tangled web of issues, which in comparison to other countries we are blessed to have. Ah, global perspective.

This anger, I suppose is God moving within me and setting my heart on fire. This anger, those tears....examining what is real. That was prayer.

That prayer bursting from my depths, emotions that I have neglected to release.

the soul and its worth

I just finished reading Greg Boyle's "Tattoos on the Heart." about gang life in LA. It was inspiring, and I just want to share with you all the last two paragraphs of the book that particularly struck me.

"' But in this place of which you say is a waste, there will be heard again the voice of mirth and the voice of gladness...the voices of those who sing.'

and so the voices at the margins get heard and the circle of compassion widens. Souls feeling their worth, refusing to forget that we belong to each other. No bullet can pierce this. The vision still has its time, and yes, it presses on to fulfillment. It will not disappoint. And yet, if it delays, we can surely wait for it."

I hope that the souls of my students and our patients feel their worth. in our school. in oakland. in the world.

christmas doesn't change reality

as my privileged, white, middle class behind is flown (on the dime of my parents) back home for christmas, another family mourns. a student at my school has fallen victim to gang violence in oakland. that is the second this year. where do i fit in this cycle of poverty and violence? i have means. means to money. means to education. means to a healthy lifestyle. why? because im white. im from a safe city. a stable family. oakland's youth are stripped of that. a crippled education system. inadequate health care. broken families.

as i sit in front of a fireplace, sipping wine, around people i love and love me in return...i can't help but feel a bit selfish, angry, hypocritical. yet...i am blessed. i have privilege. i have means. that MEANS i have the power and resources to fight for those who lack it.

hope floats.

Hope. It's that beautiful thing you find in the muckiest places.

Oakland is one big pile of muck. The gangs. The drugs. The violence. The fear. The innocent people who are sucked into that cycle. The suffering. It is easy for me to get lost in it all. And feel, well, hopeless. Like there is nothing I can do, nothing I can change to fix it. In a lot of ways, that's pretty darn true. The typical thought going through my head, when I go to the clinic or the school is "here comes the helpless, unqualified white girl to teach you high-risk youth about health. sweet." Sometimes it is terribly overwhelming. But in peeling away that layer of despair, I have discovered that hope is all around.

Hope is the new clinic opened at my school. You should have seen the faces of the community when they saw it. "Que bonito, que bonito." how beautiful, how beautiful. That clinic, that FREE clinic, is a symbol of hope amongst all the wrong.

Hope is my students, many of whom are involved in gangs, realize their potential and discover their leadership. It is their dedication, motivation, and investment to be a peer health educator. Hope is in their laughs, their brilliance, and their dreams. Their resiliency. Hope is Alternatives in Action (http://www.alternativesinaction.org/) , the org that coordinates all the after-school programs.

Hope is the smile from the homeless man on the corner. It lies within my casa-mates, my coworkers, and my new home in Oakland/Berkeley. It is glimmers of beauty and glimpses of God's love.

In other news I have done some pretty bomb ass things the past month

- I saw Rigoberta Menchu speak. A nobel peace prize winner.

-hiked in the Berkeley hills

-volunteered at A Day for Forgiveness

-Watched a Cal game from a hill

-went wine tasting in Napa

-Rode a Mexican party bus

-Went to House of Air. (a warehouse filled with trampolines)

More adventures to come :)

life lately.

i apologize for the lack of posts lately...to be honest, I have been avoiding it. So much has happened in the past few weeks. beautiful moments. frustrating moments. and silly moments, too.

let's talk about some frustrating moments first, so we can end on a high note...

I love teaching my peer-health education group. I love my girls, and even recently I recruited one, brave male to join our troop...trust me, i'm all about the small victories. My students make me laugh until I cry (they try to teach me how to be thug...insert great mental image here), but they break my heart as well. Some are in gangs, others are into drugs, and have horrific family problems. Because of them and their stories, I don't think I can possibly view the world and our country in the same light. I am ruined and I can't help but feel completely and utterly helpless and unqualified at work. My measly biomedical science degree is worthless and I really bring very little experience to the table. I have to keep telling myself...ok, al, breathe. get over your obstacles, you are a JV, this is what you signed up for (maybe? or absolutely not at all?), and focus. Rather than focus on what seems like insurmountable differences amongst myself and my students, I try to simply be present to them...to meet them where they are, and listen, and educate, provoke discussion, lead by example. i've seen so much beauty and glimpses of God in that.

A coworker and I finally started our substance abuse group at the high school. Our first meeting with the teens was intense and powerful and frustrating. To hear the stories of what oakland teens are exposed to at such a young age was disturbing, but to hear their hope and will for change was inspiring. It left me feeling ready to burst into tears, nervous giggle, and smile all at once. Again, I remind myself to be present and supportive. The group meets each Wednesday.

Sorry these last two paragraphs are so disjointed and full of half thoughts, but that's all I got right now :) Work has been crazy busy lately...since the new school clinic opens in a few short weeks. IM SO EXCITED.

In other news, i am falling in love with my community (HI CASAMATES). sure, sometimes we drive each other crazy, but i am so thankful for all their support and love. we can be silly and laugh as we enjoy a meal or have a discussion about social justice or spirituality. i love hearing their different perspectives and having those sometimes really uncomfortable conversations. in the last few weeks, i feel like we have taken leaps and bounds as a community, because we got off to a really slow start. i'm so grateful for their effort and commitment to our casa, because it really is like a 2nd full-time job. as many of you know, i have never been very good at letting people into my thoughts and support me, but i have decided that this is the year to take the plunge. it's a work in progress!

...and we threw a BANGIN halloween party this past weekend. JVs from Sacromento, San Jose, Santa Clara, and Oakland made the trek to Berkeley. It was really wonderful to see everyone, since we haven't all been together since orientation, and it's really refreshing to be around people who are sharing a similar JV experience.

sending my love love love.

P dot S i'll be in the CLE in 3 short weeks. So pumped. Call me and we'll rendezvous