god bless the world

Mighty God, Father of all,

Compassionate God, Mother of all,
bless every person I have met,
every face I have seen,
every voice I have heard,
especially those most dear;
bless every city, town, and
street that I have known,
bless every sight I have seen,
every sound I have heard,
every object I have touched.
In some mysterious way these
have all fashioned my life;
all that I am,
I have received.
Great God, bless the world.

- Jack Morris, SJ

a year in review

It's all pretty surreal that I am sitting here, writing one last blog entry before my time as a JV is over and I get my "F" (Former Jesuit Volunteer). I struggle with how I can encapsulate my experience in words and how I can possibily help you understand.

This year has been full of challenges, joys, tears, laughs, heart break, frustration...all a part of the grand adventure.

I was excited & happy to go to work everyday.
I climbed a mountain and hiked to waterfalls
I gave squirming middle-schoolers shots
I found community, at home, at work, at school, in Oakland.
I saw gang violence and its impact on a community
I talked teens through crisis
I felt so unbelievably unqualified and helpless
I laughed until I cried.
In ways I never expected, I encountered God each day.
I signed undocumented families up for insurance.
I gave puberty and sex talks more times than I can count.
I felt empowered
I walked with the students of east oakland
I saw their wisdom and felt their love.
I was humbled.
It's not I, it is WE
I found more questions, than answers.
I wiped tears and let my tears be wiped.
I led a Young Ladies Circle and Peer Health Educators group.
I took roadtrips and drank wine and made true friends.
I connected with students so different than me.
I was inspired by strong women and found my passion.
I became a part of East Oakland, beautiful and painful.
My work may not be remembered or carried on,
But I came her to work WITH and not for the people.
I was loved and completely known in the face of God, of friends, of strangers.
That is what I will carry.


It's been liberating, yet frustrating and humbling to learn that I am simply not the solution, nor will I ever be, but I can certainly be a part of it.

I have so many thank-yous and things to be grateful for.

I am grateful for my Casa T-Bow Community, their undying support and love and laughter. You've changed me and I'm so inspired by all that you do and who each of you are.

Thank you to my co-workers, who are the most passionate women that I have ever met. They are truly making dents in the health disparities and our community. Thank you for helping me find my passion and drive me into my future, and becoming my extended family.

To my students- I don't know where to begin. You are powerful beyond your wildest dreams. I'm so proud that each of you have found your voice and its strength in your own unique way. I'm so humbled by your motivation to succeed and your passion working for your school community. Thank you for the laughter, your wisdom, and your time and energy. So much love.

As JVC told me from the beginning, I am ruined for life.

peace.

love.

Dear Mz Aly:

YOU GO!!!!!!!! You know I love you girl. You are the best teacha friend I have!



Thanks, Ameerah

"here is what we seek: a compassion that can stand in awe at what the poor have to carry rather than stand in judgement at how they carry it."

in rereading some of my earliest blog entries, i can't help but laugh at how ignorant some of them sounded. to think how much growth has happened since then.

fierce

high school students at Life are straight up fierce...check it out.

they teach tolerance, and im so blessed to be in their presence and hear their wisdom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9G4IxJJZ1k

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9a_ll9B4Os

health fair!

@#$)(!JDJA my students, my young men and women are amazing!!! they planned and pulled off a HEALTH FAIR for the student body, parents, and internship partners. they rocked it out and put on awesome presentations about nutrition, exercise, drugs/alcohol, healthy relationships, safe sex, depression, etc. They even managed to bring in outside organizations and partner with experts in the health industry. I'm so proud, humbled, and inspired by them. and people wonder why i love my job and why i'm choosing to stay...

ps i'll post pics to facebook!

peace and silence.

last week i went on a silent retreat with 30 JVs. that's right. 3 days. no talking. ok not entirely...i met with a spiritual director for about an hour everyday. i spent time praying, reading, running, sun bathing, and filling up a healthy chunk of journal.

i went into retreat feeling really anxious. nervous about the mountain of work that would undoubtedly pile up on my desk, being away from my students and the clinic, and all the rest. 3 days off work? i thought that we simply too much of JVC to ask...

settling into the silence was difficult for me. i felt so restless, uncomfortable really, until it dawned on me...this year I have been so consumed and completely in love with my job, my community, and new surroundings, that I have neglected a huge part of this JVC puzzle...myself. yes JVC has left me plenty of time for self-care, but i had yet to dig deeply within myself. although i was able to retreat from outside distraction, the silence for me was DEAFENING, as I began to confront and wrestle with my inner demons.

a central theme of the retreat was peace. what the hell does that really mean? i'll be honest prior to retreat i thought of peace as that lofty, maybe unattainable goal of a world without violence, disease, hatred, war, etc. maybe that is part of it...but here is what i have found. peace begins within yourself. how can i promote peace and justice, unless i truly feel that to my core? unless i confront my inner fears, be completely honest and vulnerable to myself, others, and God...i will not know peace. and i will not be able to fully give love, joy, and healing unto those i work with. i will not be able to use my voice. without that peace, there is that small part me that is holding back.

during retreat, we held a peace vigil. from 7:30 pm until 7:30 am, we took shifts and simply prayed for peace. it was super cool to know that JVs all across the country were doing the same as well. each hour held a different intention, and we had the opportunity to write down our thoughts about peace in this year's peace journal. even better was the opportunity to read and reflect on peace journals of JVs from years past (like 20 some years!). it was inspiring, heartbreaking, empowering, and comforting, all at the same time to read those entries. at the very least, it made me feel like i'm not alone, things aren't as hopeless as I sometimes make them to be, and JVs really are fighting, have fought, and will continue to fight for peace.

the time away in silence held some truly beautiful and profound moments for me. the silence gave me healing. healing that i desperately needed to walk more closely with the youth of fruitvale. healing to love and let myself be loved fully and entirely by others and most importantly by God. healing to allow myself to be vulnerable...and let my heart be broken by this experience. through the silence, i found a voice within me, power to speak for those who have been silenced by oppression in our community.

i am loved and completely known by God. that is a comforting and empowering thought.

i went back to work with a new vigor, a new love, and a new appreciation. motivation to last me a lifetime. i am grateful. i am more present.

my students' hugs have a little more love. their complaints aren't so as annoying. and the hour i spent getting gum out of a 6th graders hair today was a little more meaningful.

so, friend, i pray that peace be with you on your journey, too.

spring break

it's spring break for the kiddos. i thought this would be a great time to catch up on all my work that has been slowly piling up and oh ya know actually get ahead on some lesson plans? well, yes, now i'm all caught up and even ahead of the game, but IT'S WAY TOO QUIET AROUND HERE. to my young men and women, come back to school. i miss you. your smilies and jokes and even your rascally behavior.

in other news, my mom sent me a ham in the mail. i think the woman has lost it. (love ya ma)

oh. and for community night next week, all 8 of casa thea bowman have set each other up on blind dates. afterwards, we'll meet up at a local drinking establishment and giggle about it like little girls. i have to set matt up. and amanda is setting me up (terrifying thought).

grace

the stories of my students. there are really no words. they are stories of bone crushing, mind numbing, and heart breaking struggles. children stripped of their innocence, yet they have no idea.

D. has no idea where his brother is. he has taken to a life on the streets

A. spent years "growing up" in a crack house, molested by her mother's boyfriend.

V's cousin was shot and killed in front her own eyes.

this is normal. this is oakland. this is what so many turn a blind eye to. these are our children, those that we optimistically call our future.

a few weeks ago one of my students (okay, one of my favorite students), was jumped by a group of girls of a rival gang. quite frankly she got the shit kicked out of her. she missed a week of school. the school administration (which is usually overwhelmingly supportive to students) is fed up with her drama. I swear i see her sitting in the office in trouble more so than she is in class. so...upon a long discussion with the coordinator of after-school programming, it's decided that i'll do a home visit.

GULPPP. my stomach sank, there's a lump in my throat. i'm terrified and thinking yet again this year "what the hell did i get myself into". then, i remember this isn't about me and my selfish concerns. this is about the future of a child. her immense potential and curiosity that the school administration has so greatly overlooked. this girl is brilliant .

breathe.

the big day comes. i get dropped off by a coworker, and remind myself to breathe. breathe. breathe. i'm shocked by what i walk into. i hop the broken baby gate that corrals the dog in the garage-like overhang and knock on the door.

breathe.

i introduce myself to mom and the gaggle of small children of the little 2 bedroom shack, sit on the torn couch waiting for my student, and take in the surroundings. floor boards are pulled up and splintered. an empty bottle of hennessy sits on the faux mantle like a trophy. a beautiful brown eyes baby playing and giggling on the floor. the focal point of the room is the new flat screen tv among the dilapidation.

there she is. two shiners encircle her eyes. breathe. in her own home, she is made so vulnerable to me.

i get the play by play of what exactly happened. we talk about her behavior leading up to this point, and how we can move on from here. passed gang life. passed her mistakes. we talk about how i care. her goal to be a pediatrician. how that goal doesn't equate with her choices lately. i totter that line between support and preaching. breathe. end of conversation.

we hug. she keeps holding. breathe. i leave.

after the weekend, she returns to school. smiling and laughing, saying hello in the clinic.

____________

i'm trying to digest all that happened that profound day. all i know is despite all the mental, emotional, and physical pain of that day, i was overwhelmed by God's grace and infinite love. breaths of grace. and glimpses of something greater.

perspective and mission

email from a coworker:

Life Academy seeks to dramatically interrupt patterns of injustice and inequity for under-served communities in Oakland. Through transformative learning experiences focused on the health and science fields, students are engaged in learning and inspired to acquire the skills needed to succeed in college and their chosen careers.

Hey folks,
I don't want to be the sender of tough data, but this story has timely information about violence in Oakland. Right now the Oakland Tribune print edition is doing a three day story on the trauma.

http://www.insidebayarea.com/top-stories/ci_17722258?source=pkg
This is the article about the West Oakland family and their ability to mend from violence.

http://www.insidebayarea.com/top-stories/ci_17728569?
This should be the link to the interactive map of 2010 homicides

http://www.insidebayarea.com/top-stories/ci_17722258?source=pkg
And this should be a link to an article about what neuroscientists, psychologists and therapists are learning about how trauma physically and psychically affects the brain.

FYI

me sick vs them sick

What makes me sick doesn't make my kids sick.

How I get sick: coming in contact with bacteria/viruses. genetics. stress (that is mostly self-induced). unhealthy choices of my own accord.

What makes my kids sick: low socioeconomic status (lack of funds for health care, medicine, healthy food) . lack of a consistent doctor. abuse. gang violence. drugs. broken families.

In my school the need of mental health care is overwhelming because look at what our society has done to them and the stresses that they bear. I can't help but think that the psychological stress of some students manifests itself physically.

_______

In other news, Happy Lent.

I'm giving up facebook, and watching TV online.

I hate my dependence on technology and how much time I mindlessly waste on the internet. I'm hoping through this fast that I can focus on things that give me energy and are life-giving to me and those around me. I'll pick up the phone to stay in touch with friends, or better yet send a letter. I'll journal and reflect on my job and JV experience. I'll read more (and learn more). Hell, maybe I'll find a new hobby. Spend more time with my casamates, and be more present at work. I guess I'm looking to center myself, and here is a good place to start.

i am alive

"You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you."

this week things feel different. different in a thought provoking, wildly beautiful way. although it is a constant battle to remain present in my community and work, i am so happy to be where i am, doing what i'm doing. i'm learning more than i can explain about myself, my spirituality, my community, the global community, and health care. i am alive and my passion is stirred. this is right.

i wake up everyday so excited to go to work. to see my students. to chat with patients. to work on my spanish (que chistosa!!). what i do everyday is something i believe so deeply and profoundly in. a world where healthcare and education merge. i am energized and free. this is my world and i have never felt so alive.

read me

a teacher from my school wrote this...
http://www.tolerance.org/blog/disparities-school-lunch

the world in the hands of an angry blogger

I spent the past 5 days in Aptos, CA for a JVC re-orientation retreat. The theme was social justice. It was a time to relax and reconnect with the values that led us to JVC in the first place, and a recommittment to our work and why we are doing it. I really needed the time to reflect on my work...sometime I have been desperately putting off for a while now. JVC brought in some stellar speakers who shared their insight on Catholic Social Thought, Kinship & Social Justice, Faith in Action, and Discernment. It's slightly ironic that my last post was about Fr Greg Boyle, because he came and spoke....man, what a special guy. He spoke alot about kinship as a value as opposed to social justice. It is the idea that only by accompanying the marginalized, being one with them, and gaining a mutual understanding. That there is no them, only an us...and that in fact we belong to each other.

JVC retreats are all about engaging and interacting with our peers to build our perspective...but we are also given time to decompress and reflect in silence for a few designated hours. That time for me was emotional, profound, as I sat still in the presence of God. I reflected. I cried. And I got really angry. Like really angry. For those of you readers who know me, it takes a lot to push me over the edge, but these feelings rushed over me like a flood.

Anger that Stephanie at age 14 continually feels the need to gang bang and get high.

Anger that a 7th grader can't speak english and how scary school must be every day for him.

Anger that a 40 year old hasn't seen a doctor in years...not out of personal choice.

Anger that a 6th grader doesn't remember his address because his family is so transient.

Anger that it is taking me forever to track down a translator to help a Nepalese patient.

Anger that undocumented immigrants are too afraid to get resources that they need.

Anger that people don't receive the dignity and honor and respect that is their right...and that I can't always give it to them.

Most importantly: Anger that i'm angry at all these things and remember that the U.S. in one country with a tangled web of issues, which in comparison to other countries we are blessed to have. Ah, global perspective.

This anger, I suppose is God moving within me and setting my heart on fire. This anger, those tears....examining what is real. That was prayer.

That prayer bursting from my depths, emotions that I have neglected to release.

the soul and its worth

I just finished reading Greg Boyle's "Tattoos on the Heart." about gang life in LA. It was inspiring, and I just want to share with you all the last two paragraphs of the book that particularly struck me.

"' But in this place of which you say is a waste, there will be heard again the voice of mirth and the voice of gladness...the voices of those who sing.'

and so the voices at the margins get heard and the circle of compassion widens. Souls feeling their worth, refusing to forget that we belong to each other. No bullet can pierce this. The vision still has its time, and yes, it presses on to fulfillment. It will not disappoint. And yet, if it delays, we can surely wait for it."

I hope that the souls of my students and our patients feel their worth. in our school. in oakland. in the world.