"here is what we seek: a compassion that can stand in awe at what the poor have to carry rather than stand in judgement at how they carry it."

in rereading some of my earliest blog entries, i can't help but laugh at how ignorant some of them sounded. to think how much growth has happened since then.

fierce

high school students at Life are straight up fierce...check it out.

they teach tolerance, and im so blessed to be in their presence and hear their wisdom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9G4IxJJZ1k

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h9a_ll9B4Os

health fair!

@#$)(!JDJA my students, my young men and women are amazing!!! they planned and pulled off a HEALTH FAIR for the student body, parents, and internship partners. they rocked it out and put on awesome presentations about nutrition, exercise, drugs/alcohol, healthy relationships, safe sex, depression, etc. They even managed to bring in outside organizations and partner with experts in the health industry. I'm so proud, humbled, and inspired by them. and people wonder why i love my job and why i'm choosing to stay...

ps i'll post pics to facebook!

peace and silence.

last week i went on a silent retreat with 30 JVs. that's right. 3 days. no talking. ok not entirely...i met with a spiritual director for about an hour everyday. i spent time praying, reading, running, sun bathing, and filling up a healthy chunk of journal.

i went into retreat feeling really anxious. nervous about the mountain of work that would undoubtedly pile up on my desk, being away from my students and the clinic, and all the rest. 3 days off work? i thought that we simply too much of JVC to ask...

settling into the silence was difficult for me. i felt so restless, uncomfortable really, until it dawned on me...this year I have been so consumed and completely in love with my job, my community, and new surroundings, that I have neglected a huge part of this JVC puzzle...myself. yes JVC has left me plenty of time for self-care, but i had yet to dig deeply within myself. although i was able to retreat from outside distraction, the silence for me was DEAFENING, as I began to confront and wrestle with my inner demons.

a central theme of the retreat was peace. what the hell does that really mean? i'll be honest prior to retreat i thought of peace as that lofty, maybe unattainable goal of a world without violence, disease, hatred, war, etc. maybe that is part of it...but here is what i have found. peace begins within yourself. how can i promote peace and justice, unless i truly feel that to my core? unless i confront my inner fears, be completely honest and vulnerable to myself, others, and God...i will not know peace. and i will not be able to fully give love, joy, and healing unto those i work with. i will not be able to use my voice. without that peace, there is that small part me that is holding back.

during retreat, we held a peace vigil. from 7:30 pm until 7:30 am, we took shifts and simply prayed for peace. it was super cool to know that JVs all across the country were doing the same as well. each hour held a different intention, and we had the opportunity to write down our thoughts about peace in this year's peace journal. even better was the opportunity to read and reflect on peace journals of JVs from years past (like 20 some years!). it was inspiring, heartbreaking, empowering, and comforting, all at the same time to read those entries. at the very least, it made me feel like i'm not alone, things aren't as hopeless as I sometimes make them to be, and JVs really are fighting, have fought, and will continue to fight for peace.

the time away in silence held some truly beautiful and profound moments for me. the silence gave me healing. healing that i desperately needed to walk more closely with the youth of fruitvale. healing to love and let myself be loved fully and entirely by others and most importantly by God. healing to allow myself to be vulnerable...and let my heart be broken by this experience. through the silence, i found a voice within me, power to speak for those who have been silenced by oppression in our community.

i am loved and completely known by God. that is a comforting and empowering thought.

i went back to work with a new vigor, a new love, and a new appreciation. motivation to last me a lifetime. i am grateful. i am more present.

my students' hugs have a little more love. their complaints aren't so as annoying. and the hour i spent getting gum out of a 6th graders hair today was a little more meaningful.

so, friend, i pray that peace be with you on your journey, too.

spring break

it's spring break for the kiddos. i thought this would be a great time to catch up on all my work that has been slowly piling up and oh ya know actually get ahead on some lesson plans? well, yes, now i'm all caught up and even ahead of the game, but IT'S WAY TOO QUIET AROUND HERE. to my young men and women, come back to school. i miss you. your smilies and jokes and even your rascally behavior.

in other news, my mom sent me a ham in the mail. i think the woman has lost it. (love ya ma)

oh. and for community night next week, all 8 of casa thea bowman have set each other up on blind dates. afterwards, we'll meet up at a local drinking establishment and giggle about it like little girls. i have to set matt up. and amanda is setting me up (terrifying thought).

grace

the stories of my students. there are really no words. they are stories of bone crushing, mind numbing, and heart breaking struggles. children stripped of their innocence, yet they have no idea.

D. has no idea where his brother is. he has taken to a life on the streets

A. spent years "growing up" in a crack house, molested by her mother's boyfriend.

V's cousin was shot and killed in front her own eyes.

this is normal. this is oakland. this is what so many turn a blind eye to. these are our children, those that we optimistically call our future.

a few weeks ago one of my students (okay, one of my favorite students), was jumped by a group of girls of a rival gang. quite frankly she got the shit kicked out of her. she missed a week of school. the school administration (which is usually overwhelmingly supportive to students) is fed up with her drama. I swear i see her sitting in the office in trouble more so than she is in class. so...upon a long discussion with the coordinator of after-school programming, it's decided that i'll do a home visit.

GULPPP. my stomach sank, there's a lump in my throat. i'm terrified and thinking yet again this year "what the hell did i get myself into". then, i remember this isn't about me and my selfish concerns. this is about the future of a child. her immense potential and curiosity that the school administration has so greatly overlooked. this girl is brilliant .

breathe.

the big day comes. i get dropped off by a coworker, and remind myself to breathe. breathe. breathe. i'm shocked by what i walk into. i hop the broken baby gate that corrals the dog in the garage-like overhang and knock on the door.

breathe.

i introduce myself to mom and the gaggle of small children of the little 2 bedroom shack, sit on the torn couch waiting for my student, and take in the surroundings. floor boards are pulled up and splintered. an empty bottle of hennessy sits on the faux mantle like a trophy. a beautiful brown eyes baby playing and giggling on the floor. the focal point of the room is the new flat screen tv among the dilapidation.

there she is. two shiners encircle her eyes. breathe. in her own home, she is made so vulnerable to me.

i get the play by play of what exactly happened. we talk about her behavior leading up to this point, and how we can move on from here. passed gang life. passed her mistakes. we talk about how i care. her goal to be a pediatrician. how that goal doesn't equate with her choices lately. i totter that line between support and preaching. breathe. end of conversation.

we hug. she keeps holding. breathe. i leave.

after the weekend, she returns to school. smiling and laughing, saying hello in the clinic.

____________

i'm trying to digest all that happened that profound day. all i know is despite all the mental, emotional, and physical pain of that day, i was overwhelmed by God's grace and infinite love. breaths of grace. and glimpses of something greater.

perspective and mission

email from a coworker:

Life Academy seeks to dramatically interrupt patterns of injustice and inequity for under-served communities in Oakland. Through transformative learning experiences focused on the health and science fields, students are engaged in learning and inspired to acquire the skills needed to succeed in college and their chosen careers.

Hey folks,
I don't want to be the sender of tough data, but this story has timely information about violence in Oakland. Right now the Oakland Tribune print edition is doing a three day story on the trauma.

http://www.insidebayarea.com/top-stories/ci_17722258?source=pkg
This is the article about the West Oakland family and their ability to mend from violence.

http://www.insidebayarea.com/top-stories/ci_17728569?
This should be the link to the interactive map of 2010 homicides

http://www.insidebayarea.com/top-stories/ci_17722258?source=pkg
And this should be a link to an article about what neuroscientists, psychologists and therapists are learning about how trauma physically and psychically affects the brain.

FYI