spring break

it's spring break for the kiddos. i thought this would be a great time to catch up on all my work that has been slowly piling up and oh ya know actually get ahead on some lesson plans? well, yes, now i'm all caught up and even ahead of the game, but IT'S WAY TOO QUIET AROUND HERE. to my young men and women, come back to school. i miss you. your smilies and jokes and even your rascally behavior.

in other news, my mom sent me a ham in the mail. i think the woman has lost it. (love ya ma)

oh. and for community night next week, all 8 of casa thea bowman have set each other up on blind dates. afterwards, we'll meet up at a local drinking establishment and giggle about it like little girls. i have to set matt up. and amanda is setting me up (terrifying thought).

grace

the stories of my students. there are really no words. they are stories of bone crushing, mind numbing, and heart breaking struggles. children stripped of their innocence, yet they have no idea.

D. has no idea where his brother is. he has taken to a life on the streets

A. spent years "growing up" in a crack house, molested by her mother's boyfriend.

V's cousin was shot and killed in front her own eyes.

this is normal. this is oakland. this is what so many turn a blind eye to. these are our children, those that we optimistically call our future.

a few weeks ago one of my students (okay, one of my favorite students), was jumped by a group of girls of a rival gang. quite frankly she got the shit kicked out of her. she missed a week of school. the school administration (which is usually overwhelmingly supportive to students) is fed up with her drama. I swear i see her sitting in the office in trouble more so than she is in class. so...upon a long discussion with the coordinator of after-school programming, it's decided that i'll do a home visit.

GULPPP. my stomach sank, there's a lump in my throat. i'm terrified and thinking yet again this year "what the hell did i get myself into". then, i remember this isn't about me and my selfish concerns. this is about the future of a child. her immense potential and curiosity that the school administration has so greatly overlooked. this girl is brilliant .

breathe.

the big day comes. i get dropped off by a coworker, and remind myself to breathe. breathe. breathe. i'm shocked by what i walk into. i hop the broken baby gate that corrals the dog in the garage-like overhang and knock on the door.

breathe.

i introduce myself to mom and the gaggle of small children of the little 2 bedroom shack, sit on the torn couch waiting for my student, and take in the surroundings. floor boards are pulled up and splintered. an empty bottle of hennessy sits on the faux mantle like a trophy. a beautiful brown eyes baby playing and giggling on the floor. the focal point of the room is the new flat screen tv among the dilapidation.

there she is. two shiners encircle her eyes. breathe. in her own home, she is made so vulnerable to me.

i get the play by play of what exactly happened. we talk about her behavior leading up to this point, and how we can move on from here. passed gang life. passed her mistakes. we talk about how i care. her goal to be a pediatrician. how that goal doesn't equate with her choices lately. i totter that line between support and preaching. breathe. end of conversation.

we hug. she keeps holding. breathe. i leave.

after the weekend, she returns to school. smiling and laughing, saying hello in the clinic.

____________

i'm trying to digest all that happened that profound day. all i know is despite all the mental, emotional, and physical pain of that day, i was overwhelmed by God's grace and infinite love. breaths of grace. and glimpses of something greater.

perspective and mission

email from a coworker:

Life Academy seeks to dramatically interrupt patterns of injustice and inequity for under-served communities in Oakland. Through transformative learning experiences focused on the health and science fields, students are engaged in learning and inspired to acquire the skills needed to succeed in college and their chosen careers.

Hey folks,
I don't want to be the sender of tough data, but this story has timely information about violence in Oakland. Right now the Oakland Tribune print edition is doing a three day story on the trauma.

http://www.insidebayarea.com/top-stories/ci_17722258?source=pkg
This is the article about the West Oakland family and their ability to mend from violence.

http://www.insidebayarea.com/top-stories/ci_17728569?
This should be the link to the interactive map of 2010 homicides

http://www.insidebayarea.com/top-stories/ci_17722258?source=pkg
And this should be a link to an article about what neuroscientists, psychologists and therapists are learning about how trauma physically and psychically affects the brain.

FYI

me sick vs them sick

What makes me sick doesn't make my kids sick.

How I get sick: coming in contact with bacteria/viruses. genetics. stress (that is mostly self-induced). unhealthy choices of my own accord.

What makes my kids sick: low socioeconomic status (lack of funds for health care, medicine, healthy food) . lack of a consistent doctor. abuse. gang violence. drugs. broken families.

In my school the need of mental health care is overwhelming because look at what our society has done to them and the stresses that they bear. I can't help but think that the psychological stress of some students manifests itself physically.

_______

In other news, Happy Lent.

I'm giving up facebook, and watching TV online.

I hate my dependence on technology and how much time I mindlessly waste on the internet. I'm hoping through this fast that I can focus on things that give me energy and are life-giving to me and those around me. I'll pick up the phone to stay in touch with friends, or better yet send a letter. I'll journal and reflect on my job and JV experience. I'll read more (and learn more). Hell, maybe I'll find a new hobby. Spend more time with my casamates, and be more present at work. I guess I'm looking to center myself, and here is a good place to start.

i am alive

"You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you."

this week things feel different. different in a thought provoking, wildly beautiful way. although it is a constant battle to remain present in my community and work, i am so happy to be where i am, doing what i'm doing. i'm learning more than i can explain about myself, my spirituality, my community, the global community, and health care. i am alive and my passion is stirred. this is right.

i wake up everyday so excited to go to work. to see my students. to chat with patients. to work on my spanish (que chistosa!!). what i do everyday is something i believe so deeply and profoundly in. a world where healthcare and education merge. i am energized and free. this is my world and i have never felt so alive.

read me

a teacher from my school wrote this...
http://www.tolerance.org/blog/disparities-school-lunch

the world in the hands of an angry blogger

I spent the past 5 days in Aptos, CA for a JVC re-orientation retreat. The theme was social justice. It was a time to relax and reconnect with the values that led us to JVC in the first place, and a recommittment to our work and why we are doing it. I really needed the time to reflect on my work...sometime I have been desperately putting off for a while now. JVC brought in some stellar speakers who shared their insight on Catholic Social Thought, Kinship & Social Justice, Faith in Action, and Discernment. It's slightly ironic that my last post was about Fr Greg Boyle, because he came and spoke....man, what a special guy. He spoke alot about kinship as a value as opposed to social justice. It is the idea that only by accompanying the marginalized, being one with them, and gaining a mutual understanding. That there is no them, only an us...and that in fact we belong to each other.

JVC retreats are all about engaging and interacting with our peers to build our perspective...but we are also given time to decompress and reflect in silence for a few designated hours. That time for me was emotional, profound, as I sat still in the presence of God. I reflected. I cried. And I got really angry. Like really angry. For those of you readers who know me, it takes a lot to push me over the edge, but these feelings rushed over me like a flood.

Anger that Stephanie at age 14 continually feels the need to gang bang and get high.

Anger that a 7th grader can't speak english and how scary school must be every day for him.

Anger that a 40 year old hasn't seen a doctor in years...not out of personal choice.

Anger that a 6th grader doesn't remember his address because his family is so transient.

Anger that it is taking me forever to track down a translator to help a Nepalese patient.

Anger that undocumented immigrants are too afraid to get resources that they need.

Anger that people don't receive the dignity and honor and respect that is their right...and that I can't always give it to them.

Most importantly: Anger that i'm angry at all these things and remember that the U.S. in one country with a tangled web of issues, which in comparison to other countries we are blessed to have. Ah, global perspective.

This anger, I suppose is God moving within me and setting my heart on fire. This anger, those tears....examining what is real. That was prayer.

That prayer bursting from my depths, emotions that I have neglected to release.